Side-Walkers

I have a name for the campus of the Ohio State University: the little New York City of Ohio. Walking the sidewalks during class change is like walking through a multicultural melee in a Manhattan subway station. Not only do you get a glimpse of the intense diversity at our university, but it’s a like a post-high school apocalyptic fashion show where the greatest and the best scuttle out of their cracks for the world to see. The categories are endless, yet there are several well-known side-walkers for which you should be on the lookout.

1. the So Slow Texter: this girl or guy, doing the syrup-slow shuffle, tuck their heads in a self-absorbed nod to their 146-character long attention span.

2. Cute Classy Bed-head: the girls, whose work-out clothes match a little too perfectly seem to say, “I’m heading to the gym,” but really say, “I am a really rich brat, and my mommy bought me these expensive workout clothes so I can be comfortable while I get the answers from that really hot upperclassmen study.”
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3. Actual Bed-head: the jeans and t-shirt aren’t fooling anyone. Next time, lose the stubble. And don’t sleep on corduroy pillows.

4. the running student: this student has fallen on desperate times. Which is why he (or she) is literally sprinting down the sidewalk. Wearing a suit. And reading a textbook. At the same time.

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(few of them really look like Leo, though)

5. the farm kid: cowboy boots, daisy dukes, and plaid. Sometimes the girls fool you with campus dress, but soon you’ll hear them mention something the “Ag” building, or you’ll see that they have a cowboy slung around their shoulders, and you can pretty easily pick them out.

6. crazy bicyclists: whether it’s the girl in high heels on her Lady Cruiser, or the guy sporting his Pelatonia jersey, whatever the case… they are riding ENTIRELY TOO FAST on the public sidewalk, and someone is going to get mowed over one of these days!

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7. the hipster: this student (female) has a shaved head, red polka-dots tattooed all over her right arm, a vague and exclusive music group featured on her oversized T-shirt which is cinched with a genuine glass-beaded belt, and she’s probably hugging a guy (who has shaved only half of this head) and is wearing neon turquoise skinny jeans and a floral scarf.

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8. the fashion mogul: for this one, basically just look out for the anomalies: like the guy with the fitted jeans tucked into simple green rubber boots. Or the girl with the feathered jacket, high-heeled tennis shoes, and volume-changing pants.

9. Super-sleek student: this student bought stock in Apple years ago and walks around in sick style, quickly overtaking the overburdened, over-back-packed students like me, while laughing politely into their 7.5S iphones as their vintage leather Oxfords click-clock on the red cobblestone and the sun beats down on their funky tailored checkered shirts.

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These are the categories, folks. Tell me: did I overlook any?

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